accepting myself as a woman, and also a little bit of netrunner
(This post was originally posted on Cohost.)
This is one of the rare photos I'll be posting of myself here - I'm on the right, @l0velace is on the left and my partner @AceEmpress is taking the photo.
In true style, this photo was taken at a Netrunner tournament: yesterday's Nottingham Circuit Opener, in which I came 5th, missing the cut by 0.1 points of ESoS (Extended Strength of Schedule, the tiebreaker metric used when the normal tiebreaker isn't enough, with 0.1 being a tiny difference) which was annoying for roughly 0.2 seconds before becoming very funny. My decks were an Ob deck called paaaap and an Akiko deck called girls.
That's all I have to say about Netrunner in this post - if you're looking for competitive insight or Netrunner commentary, look at the decklists. The rest of this post is about my outfit, and thoughts about me, my transition and femininity.
A quick disclaimer: This is my experience and doesn't aim to set out anything about how femininity should be or anything like that. Below the cut there is discussion of medical transition being beneficial for me, but that doesn't mean that it's a requirement for trans people and is absolutely not a requirement of "womanhood" or "manhood" or similar.
The outfit pictured is my new favourite outfit, at its first outing. I've struggled to find outfits that I like but also read femme enough for me to be comfortable, as someone who considers themself a little tomboyish - I have this cycle where I go "oh I should try a dress/skirt/pinafore", buy one, try it and not really like it, then wait a few months and the cycle starts again. I've had other good outfits in the past: a flower-patterned lace shirt on top of a vest with a femme blazer, dungarees and a fun button-up, and my one nice summer jumpsuit. This one feels special though: I feel like I've genuinely pulled off how I want to look, and I look hot next to someone else who's also hot!
A lot of effort has gone into the me in that photo. One morning about a month ago I finally decided "fuck it, I'm going to get laser", contacted my local clinic and I've now had my first session, which has fortunately caused noticeable improvements. My hormones are finally at a good dose1 so I'm starting to see the results I want. I've received fashion guidance from various people, keeping a document full of looks I like so I can try them when I have time.
To give a bit of background to my transition and the process of getting here: I realised I was trans in November 2019, so roughly four and a half years ago. I came out to a select few people as non-binary (they pronouns only), without changing my name. I didn't really understand myself, but one thing I knew was that I did not feel able to call myself a woman. I think a big part of it was because my presentation (encompassing my name, fashion and voice) didn't - and in many ways still doesn't - feel feminine enough to be read as a woman, and I didn't really want to make people in women's spaces feel uncomfortable because of that presentation. Just to make this crystal clear to any questioning people reading this, this isn't healthy: if you take one thing from this post, it should not be the idea that you "must be this feminine to be a woman".
The years of my transition passed, and I got more confident. My students were respecting my pronouns, and the queer ones were excited to see me. I was starting to present in ways I liked more. My local Netrunner community was becoming more and more queer, in no small part due to me. I'd been trying out the name Bee online, with a few friends, within that community and here on cohost.
I'd love to say that I've worked past the idea of having to present femininely enough to count as a woman, but I've not. I don't think I'll be suddenly going to the women's lunches at conferences I attend or anything like that. But, I think I've reached the point where I'm more satisfied with my presentation to feel like I can at least be satisfied enough with myself.
So, I think it's time for a bit of an introduction. Hi everyone, I'm Phoebe (they/she), or Bee for short, and I'm a non-binary trans woman. You may also know me from real life as Finnbar - that name is absolutely fine as well (you'll find my academic papers under that name), but I'm slowly phasing it out.
Thank you to the closest trans people in my life who've helped me through this: my long-time friend @dovahbutt for their many (5?!) years of support and fashion advice, @l0velace as my fashionable Netrunner friend, Lils (not on Cohost) for his guidance on getting private HRT in the UK and my partner @AceEmpress for being there for me through my best and my worst.
And thank you for taking the time to read this.
This was a whole thing. After changing patch brand, it turns out that the new patches weren't sticking so effectively, but covering them with Tegaderm film held them in place properly and caused noticeable improvements.↩